Q: I have a family member who’s alcoholic. We’ve tried before to suggest that he get help but he isn’t cooperative. Besides, I’ve heard that unless a person really wants help then treatment won’t do any good. Is there anything I can do?

Response:  First, let’s clear up the misconception in your question.  The research on alcoholism treatment is very clear that a strong motivation for sobriety is not necessary for treatment to be helpful.  One of the reasons for this is that the first goal of good addictions treatment is to increase the motivation of the individual to be sober.  In fact, an alcoholic who angrily rejects getting help may be a step closer than the individual who gives pretend compliance – at least the angry person is being honest!

Now – there are at least three active steps loves ones of the alcoholic can take to support a movement toward treatment.  Step One – stop avoiding the problem.  Stop covering up for the loss of function of the alcohol abuser – with their boss, coworkers, family members – yes, even the kids.  If honesty is the beginning place for the alcoholic – so it is for the family as well.  And stop enabling – making it easier for the problem drinker to continue problem drinking by sparing them the consequences of their problem.  Yes, it is possible that those consequences will affect you as well as the drinker – but if you really love them that is a step of participation in recovery that you can take.  For instance, I worked with a wife of an alcoholic one time who actually went to the store to buy his liquor for him – she didn’t want him driving drunk and endangering their car and their insurance!  True identification of a problem – but wrong solution.

Step Two – stop owning the problem.  It is possible that you have something to do with the person’s problem drinking – but you’re not the one with the problem!  It’s like a forest fire raging out of control: there are people, places, and things that have put logs on that fire (and some of your choices may be some of those contributing factors) – but it’s still his fire to extinguish.  Get your own guilt issues under control by attending a 12-Step group for recovering family members (there are many, but Alanon and Celebrate Recovery may be the most well known).

And finally, you may want to step into a full-blown professional intervention.  Briefly, this is a structured meeting in which all the props are pulled out from under the alcoholic and he is left with only one choice – treatment or being ostracized.  Does this sound like harsh treatment? Better to think of it as the famous “tough love.”  Love is a commitment to the other’s well-being as strongly as to one’s own – which means it’s not always soft and mushy.  An intervention needs to be carefully planned out and even rehearsed (don’t try this at home!), so if you want more information you may want to call me for an appointment.

Dr. Don

Do you have a question relating to psychotherapy or to the integration of psychology and Christianity?  Write Dr. Don at drdon@drdondurham.com and he’ll be happy to respond in this column.

Q: I’ve heard that I shouldn’t go to anyone but a Christian counselor; what are your thoughts about that?

Response: Please remember that how I respond to this question (as well as others!) is my opinion – others may have different opinions…I think the first thing in selecting a counselor is that they be good! How can you tell this? I believe that your counselor should have an advanced degree in a counseling field – this ensures that he/she has a broad perspective to put their knowledge in – that they know how to put concerns in context and that they won’t see things through a narrow lens. For instance, if all they’ve studied is how to help people with anxiety think in healthier ways, then everything they see is going to tend to look like anxiety and the only tool the counselor will have to approach the problem is cognitive therapy.

Secondly, you should have a good feeling about the initial communication with a counselor; you should feel understood by him/her, and you should feel that you understood the counselor in return. And this includes a mutual understanding of the way you look at the world – and how you approach matters of faith. God has revealed much truth through his Creation, that all humans can learn if they want to; and so non-Christian counselors often know a lot and can also be very wise. For this reason, if you are a Christian with a strong, mature faith and you have practice understanding things from “the world” in the context of a Christian world view, then it may not matter as much that your counselor share your faith.

However, if you are a Christian whose faith is not yet well-developed or if you are just now beginning to think about what a “Christian world view” means, then it will be very important that your counselor be able to help you grow in your faith, as well as assist you with your emotional or relational difficulties – and this means that your counselor does in this circumstance need to be a Christian.

At Durham Psychological Services our commitment is to provide you with a counselor who is both skilled in his/her profession and mature enough to help you grow in your Christian faith – not one or the other.

Dr. Don

Q: How do I know if counseling is right for me?

Sometimes I get accused of believing that counseling will solve anything for anyone – not true! Almost…but seriously, here are some ways to know whether investing in counseling is a good decision:

• Do you have a specific complaint? If not, but rather you’re struggling with an ongoing sense of things just not being satisfying or productive in your life, your counselor should help you define your complaint so that it is more specific – then you’ll know when you’re making progress in your counseling.
• What have you tried to resolve your complaint? Are you simply out of options, or don’t even know where to start? These are issues your counselor can help you with; what your counselor cannot do is take responsibility for resolving your complaint – it’s your life and your problem – your counselor cannot be your savior.
• Are you willing to do something about your complaint – or do you just “wish” it would go away? Remember, you will get something out of counseling in proportion with what you put in. And change always takes courage – so be courageous!
• Finally, your counselor will probably ask you to do something you haven’t thought of, or something that sounds unfeasible to you – remember, if you would have thought of you probably already would have thought of it and wouldn’t need counseling! But sometimes a fresh perspective and a fresh problem-solving approach are just what is needed – so work with your counselor’s suggestions.

Of course, then there’s the question of how you know if your counseling is really helping – but that’s another question! If you have a question for Dr. Don, email him at drdon@drdondurham.com – all questions will at least be reviewed, even if they can’t be answered briefly enough for this column.

Dr. Don