Now – there are at least three active steps loves ones of the alcoholic can take to support a movement toward treatment.  Step One – stop avoiding the problem.  Stop covering up for the loss of function of the alcohol abuser – with their boss, coworkers, family members – yes, even the kids.  If honesty is the beginning place for the alcoholic – so it is for the family as well.  And stop enabling – making it easier for the problem drinker to continue problem drinking by sparing them the consequences of their problem.  Yes, it is possible that those consequences will affect you as well as the drinker – but if you really love them that is a step of participation in recovery that you can take.  For instance, I worked with a wife of an alcoholic one time who actually went to the store to buy his liquor for him – she didn’t want him driving drunk and endangering their car and their insurance!  True identification of a problem – but wrong solution.

Step Two – stop owning the problem.  It is possible that you have something to do with the person’s problem drinking – but you’re not the one with the problem!  It’s like a forest fire raging out of control: there are people, places, and things that have put logs on that fire (and some of your choices may be some of those contributing factors) – but it’s still his fire to extinguish.  Get your own guilt issues under control by attending a 12-Step group for recovering family members (there are many, but Alanon and Celebrate Recovery may be the most well known).

And finally, you may want to step into a full-blown professional intervention.  Briefly, this is a structured meeting in which all the props are pulled out from under the alcoholic and he is left with only one choice – treatment or being ostracized.  Does this sound like harsh treatment? Better to think of it as the famous “tough love.”  Love is a commitment to the other’s well-being as strongly as to one’s own – which means it’s not always soft and mushy.  An intervention needs to be carefully planned out and even rehearsed (don’t try this at home!), so if you want more information you may want to call me for an appointment.

Dr. Don

Do you have a question relating to psychotherapy or to the integration of psychology and Christianity?  Write Dr. Don at drdon@drdondurham.com and he’ll be happy to respond in this column.

There are three aspects of peace I want to touch on briefly for your meditation this week.  First, from the gospel (“good news”) of John the Apostle – “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful” (14:27).  Jesus promised to give us who follow him a peace different than that which we can get from the world; but what does this mean?  A clue comes from a nearby verse:  “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace [there’s that word we’re looking for].  In the world you have tribulation [that doesn’t sound like peace!], but take courage; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).  Taken together we see that followers of Christ are promised a peace that is not dependent on context – rather it is supplied from above, from the power of the Holy Spirit.  And because of that we don’t have to be troubled in heart, or feel fear, no matter the circumstances.

Second, there is a wealth of meaning in understanding more deeply the Hebrew word for peace – shalom.  Again beginning from the verse in John 14:27, the version of the Bible called The Message gives us our first glimpse of the deeper meaning of peace:  “I’m leaving you well and whole. That’s my parting gift to you. Peace.”   See, the Hebrew understanding of peace includes wellness, wholeness, contentment, a lack of contention – even financial wellbeing!  This peace that we are promised is not some passive absence of drama in our lives; no, it is something tangible, something you can sink your teeth into – this is the peace God wants us to have.

But this solid, steady peace doesn’t come naturally or easily.  It is first a work of the heavenly Trio – that is where this enduring, abiding peace comes from – so…

• We have to ask for it!  Like so many other spiritual blessings, “[we] have not because [we] ask not” (James 4:2)!  
• And then we have to trust that the Father who wants good things for His children will indeed provide that shalom. 
• And then two more tools to accessing this heavenly peace:  “And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts…And always be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15).  So sure, we want this peace to be the predominant, in charge state of being – but how?  And if I could feel peaceful most of the time, why of course, I’d be thankful!  But that’s the reverse order; the third tool for having this heavenly peace is…
• Be thankful.  Cultivating an attitude of gratitude is in fact one of the most powerful ways to move from anxiety to peace – so start by being grateful, even before the circumstances change, and you’ll move toward peace.  And finally,…
• The Amplified version elaborates very helpfully on the word rule:  And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds... And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].  If we allow the peace of Christ to be the decision-maker in our lives we will live much more of the time in a state of peace.  When facing a decision, if one option moves me away from the peace of Christ, then that’s not the option I want; if when I consider another option I am more filled with the peace of Christ – then that’s the one I’m going for.  And so the presence of the peace of Christ “umpires” my decision-making, my life – and that peace will indeed be more enduring.

So, shalom y’all!

When my eyes are open I am willing to see what is real, what is true;
    when my ears are open I can hear what is true, what is without guile.
              When my attitudes are open, I have suspended judgmentalism and am ready for new opinions.
                          When I have released the past, I am free from resentments and open to new connections.

What a beautiful way to live!  How much energy flows from the lifestyle described above!  How much life there is in that life!  And so…
     Why am I so ready to live the other way:
                Guarded, with my body closed up and my mind even tighter, 
                    and my heart most tightly closed of all?
                       Why do I grasp my fears and resentments to my chest?
                               Why do I seek comfort in my own woundedness? 
                                          And rehearse the thoughts that are most poisonous to me?

Breath of Heaven – breathe Your courage, and Your light, and yes – Your openness – into my being.

Secondly, you should have a good feeling about the initial communication with a counselor; you should feel understood by him/her, and you should feel that you understood the counselor in return. And this includes a mutual understanding of the way you look at the world – and how you approach matters of faith. God has revealed much truth through his Creation, that all humans can learn if they want to; and so non-Christian counselors often know a lot and can also be very wise. For this reason, if you are a Christian with a strong, mature faith and you have practice understanding things from “the world” in the context of a Christian world view, then it may not matter as much that your counselor share your faith.

However, if you are a Christian whose faith is not yet well-developed or if you are just now beginning to think about what a “Christian world view” means, then it will be very important that your counselor be able to help you grow in your faith, as well as assist you with your emotional or relational difficulties – and this means that your counselor does in this circumstance need to be a Christian.

At Durham Psychological Services our commitment is to provide you with a counselor who is both skilled in his/her profession and mature enough to help you grow in your Christian faith – not one or the other.

Dr. Don

What needs sprucing up in your life? What could use a touch of new greenery – or even of resurrection life?! The Scriptures are very clear that not only does the resurrection of Jesus mean something in itself – that the Author of Life always trumps the Doctor of Death – but it also means that each one of us, each day of our lives, can have that same resurrection energy flowing through us! Think about how you feel on the best morning when you just awake, on the best day of the best month of Spring, when you and the world around you are bursting with new life and renewed energy – and there are no allegies! – that is the energy and life that Christ came to bring you.

Remember – the unforced rhythms of grace spring from the Fountain of Eternal Life – we hope that fountain wells up in you this week!

• Do you have a specific complaint? If not, but rather you’re struggling with an ongoing sense of things just not being satisfying or productive in your life, your counselor should help you define your complaint so that it is more specific – then you’ll know when you’re making progress in your counseling.
• What have you tried to resolve your complaint? Are you simply out of options, or don’t even know where to start? These are issues your counselor can help you with; what your counselor cannot do is take responsibility for resolving your complaint – it’s your life and your problem – your counselor cannot be your savior.
• Are you willing to do something about your complaint – or do you just “wish” it would go away? Remember, you will get something out of counseling in proportion with what you put in. And change always takes courage – so be courageous!
• Finally, your counselor will probably ask you to do something you haven’t thought of, or something that sounds unfeasible to you – remember, if you would have thought of you probably already would have thought of it and wouldn’t need counseling! But sometimes a fresh perspective and a fresh problem-solving approach are just what is needed – so work with your counselor’s suggestions.

Of course, then there’s the question of how you know if your counseling is really helping – but that’s another question! If you have a question for Dr. Don, email him at drdon@drdondurham.com – all questions will at least be reviewed, even if they can’t be answered briefly enough for this column.

Dr. Don

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

(Matthew 11: 28 – 30

Let me put it simply and directly. Our belief is that when we as human beings are living in the paths and ways that we were designed to live it, our lives will flow with a natural rhythm that is free and light – we’ll be in the groove! The reason for this is that when we are at peace with ourselves, and with those people around us, and with our God – nearly all of the conflict of our lives will be gone! Think about how much of your anxiety, or worry, or sadness, or anger – stem from a lack of harmony with the significant relationships of your life! When we don’t “keep company” with God, then we’re most frequently out of step with those around us.

This week – look for a new way and a new means – to fall into step with God and learn the rhythm of grace!